I know this is a very sensitive post, I say in advance that if you think this might hurt your feelings, please stop right here.
Note : This is written by a human who do not identify himself as he belongs to any particular religion or caste.
What i share here are my personal experiences from the past.
Closest of my friends know that i am/will always be confused about two things in Life: God and Love or may be both are one.
I remember I prayed to God several times , not knowing, what was I doing actually, but i had been doing since i was asked to do. I remember, I prayed to God to get more holidays and for more marks and for more sweets and for more food. It went on for years until a day , on which , i realized i wasn’t sincere in any of my prayers, there was always a contradiction within, and that questioned me , ” Do you really pray because you love to do?”. I stopped praying and worshiping when i understood that I wasn’t sincere and I didn’t love praying.
After several years, It was in 2004 when i had just finished college and was trying to find a job, I thought about God, again, more deeply. There are reasons : Once, when i was hurrying for an interview in Chennai (I was staying in Bangalore ), a drunkard man came from nowhere and started a conversation with me, as I was in a hurry, I didn’t involve much, when we had crossed and walked about 6 feet past each other, he looked back at me and showed his hands at the sky and said “God is there” and a gave me a chuckle of a sage. I was astonished and amused and carried on with my hurry walk to catch the bus to Chennai.
And on another time, when i was just about to give an another interview in Chennai, a STD Booth lady started a conversation about God and she went on for about 15-20 minutes, I excused myself and was about to leave that booth and place, then she said , “God is there, Don’t worry”.
Life was so pathetic without a job. Earlier, i had promised my dad that within another 45 days I will have a job.days were very long, the city looked small and ugly, and most of the times it made me angry.No face in the city looked pleasant to me. I felt i had no friends. i didn’t want to go home without a job, the promise kept coming to my mind , often. I listened to songs, the recorded voices were more comfortable to listen to, and often they did comfort too. The night sky always reminded me of my dreams. days went on like these for few days.
One day, when i was going to Chennai for an another interview, When i was walking down the same street again, I remembered the drunkard man and the STD Booth lady, my brain photographed their faces in my retina. I looked at my watch, I was on time. Some neurons kept telling me that “somebody from somewhere would come and talk to you about god”. I replied, “may be”. I was surprised because nothing happened until i boarded the bus. I thought,”it was all over”, then came the fellow passenger. He looked energetic and wise. I was reluctant to initiate the conversation, not only because i didn’t have a job, but also i am a little reserved kind of a person. (I feel so because every moment of my past made me so). He initiated a conversation with me, may be he wanted to help/guide me. I was, just, answering his questions.When the conversation was just about to over, and when the thought of drunkard man and the STD booth lady had just arrived to my mind, he asked me to pray several times a day and spoke so much about God. Nothing but the question of – why should these things happen? – came to my mind.
I guess every passenger had fallen asleep when i looked through the window to look at the full-moon and the objects that its silver light had been showing to me. Its a nice feeling. Every time i travel in bus, i look at the objects and think about the stories behind them. fallen roofs, planted trees, watching kids, gazing men and women… but on that day every story i was about to imagine about the object i saw with the moon light was stopped by the thoughts about God and the 3 strangers. I could never sleep that night, but it was so pleasant to watch the moon the whole night, even it traveled a distance of 300+ kilometers with me, I wasn’t sure about the thoughts it had! Nor did I think about it, until I wrote the previous sentence.
Nothing worked out.The promise time period was getting over, s.. l.. o.. w.. l.. y. I felt , I was losing confidence. I felt, I was losing my charm. I felt, I was losing in my Life. I wanted to be alone as long as possible.I felt happy that I didn’t have a mobile phone.
days passed. On one particular day,For no particular reason, I went to three temples of different religions to ask God – “Who he is?” – I don’t know if it is a prayer?! Every time, i left a temple, there were tears in my heart. I could never really know why?!
I got through a company, I felt, I should thank the God and the temples and went to the same temples and asked,” Who he is” – and said, ” whoever you are, thanks anyway”. I don’t know if it is a prayer.
My thoughts about god will never cease – may be because of – God. Often, I think, if everything is programmed to be in a certain way – why should there be a life? Why is there a disparity among people? Why would God require anyone to pray? Will God ever treat two people differently ? Why one becomes a terrorist and one – a Scientist? How could God stand the sufferings of People?
My mom often requests me to pray and worship God – I politely disobey her – saying – ” ma, I don’t do things that i don’t really love to do or I am doubtful”.She’ll feel bad ,but She will be happy I was honest to her.
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