Why is God,if there, So Big?

I know this is a very sensitive post, I say in advance that if you think this might hurt your feelings, please stop right here.

Note : This is written by a human who do not identify himself as he belongs to any particular religion or caste.

What i share here are my personal experiences from the past.

Closest of my friends know that i am/will always be confused about two things in Life: God and Love or may be both are one.

I remember I prayed to God several times , not knowing, what was I doing actually, but i had been doing since i was asked to do. I remember, I prayed to God to get more holidays and for more marks and for more sweets and for more food. It went on for years until a day , on which , i realized i wasn’t sincere in any of my prayers, there was always a contradiction within, and that questioned me , ” Do you really pray because you love to do?”. I stopped praying and worshiping when i understood that I wasn’t sincere and I didn’t love praying.

After several years, It was in 2004 when i had just finished college and was trying to find a job, I thought about God, again, more deeply. There are reasons : Once, when i was hurrying for an interview in Chennai (I was staying in Bangalore ), a drunkard man came from nowhere and started a conversation with me, as I was in a hurry, I didn’t involve much, when we had crossed and walked about 6 feet past each other, he looked back at me and showed his hands at the sky and said “God is there” and a gave me a chuckle of a sage. I was astonished and amused and carried on with my hurry walk to catch the bus to Chennai.

And on another time, when i was just about to give an another interview in Chennai, a STD Booth lady started a conversation about God and she went on for about 15-20 minutes, I excused myself and was about to leave that booth and place, then she said , “God is there, Don’t worry”.

Life was so pathetic without a job. Earlier, i had promised my dad that within another 45 days I will have a job.days were very long, the city looked small and ugly, and most of the times it made me angry.No face in the city looked pleasant to me. I felt i had no friends. i didn’t want to go home without a job, the promise kept coming to my mind , often. I listened to songs, the recorded voices were more comfortable to listen to, and often they did comfort too. The night sky always reminded me of my dreams. days went on like these for few days.

One day, when i was going to Chennai for an another interview, When i was walking down the same street again, I remembered the drunkard man and the STD Booth lady, my brain photographed their faces in my retina. I looked at my watch, I was on time. Some neurons kept telling me that “somebody from somewhere would come and talk to you about god”. I replied, “may be”. I was surprised because nothing happened until i boarded the bus. I thought,”it was all over”, then came the fellow passenger. He looked energetic and wise. I was reluctant to initiate the conversation, not only because i didn’t have a job, but also i am a little reserved kind of a person. (I feel so because every moment of my past made me so). He initiated a conversation with me, may be he wanted to help/guide me. I was, just, answering his questions.When the conversation was just about to over, and when the thought of drunkard man and the STD booth lady had just arrived to my mind, he asked me to pray several times a day and spoke so much about God. Nothing but the question of – why should these things happen? – came to my mind.

I guess every passenger had fallen asleep when i looked through the window to look at the full-moon and the objects that its silver light had been showing to me. Its a nice feeling. Every time i travel in bus, i look at the objects and think about the stories behind them. fallen roofs, planted trees, watching kids, gazing men and women… but on that day every story i was about to imagine about the object i saw with the moon light was stopped by the thoughts about God and the 3 strangers. I could never sleep that night, but it was so pleasant to watch the moon the whole night, even it traveled a distance of 300+ kilometers with me, I wasn’t sure about the thoughts it had! Nor did I think about it, until I wrote the previous sentence.

Nothing worked out.The promise time period was getting over, s.. l.. o.. w.. l.. y. I felt , I was losing confidence. I felt, I was losing my charm. I felt, I was losing in my Life. I wanted to be alone as long as possible.I felt happy that I didn’t have a mobile phone.

days passed. On one particular day,For no particular reason, I went to three temples of different religions to ask God – “Who he is?” – I don’t know if it is a prayer?! Every time, i left a temple, there were tears in my heart. I could never really know why?!

I got through a company, I felt, I should thank the God and the temples and went to the same temples and asked,” Who he is” – and said, ” whoever you are, thanks anyway”. I don’t know if it is a prayer.

My thoughts about god will never cease – may be because of – God. Often, I think, if everything is programmed to be in a certain way – why should there be a life? Why is there a disparity among people? Why would God require anyone to pray? Will God ever treat two people differently ? Why one becomes a terrorist and one – a Scientist? How could God stand the sufferings of People?

My mom often requests me to pray and worship God – I politely disobey her – saying – ” ma, I don’t do things that i don’t really love to do or I am doubtful”.She’ll feel bad ,but She will be happy I was honest to her.

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Apt# 202,1730 , Interface Lane

Its been a long time , Since I wrote in Serenity and Harmony. There are reasons - as always.

Very strange title for a blog post? isn't it? I wanted to write on this title for a long time and now is the time.The very interesting thing is , I get most of my blog post titles when i am not with my laptop. They are sudden and still beautiful and captivating.

The address in the title is where I stayed for about 8 months in Charlotte,NC,USA.Whats the big deal in it?Well, It was a big thing for me for several reasons.The most important was that one of my dreams had come true after 12 years.I was in Hostel in the Sixth class.I was so reluctant being in the hostel and was so uncomfortable in studying all the subjects in the English language.I hated it though it was to be a most important turning point of my life.On one particular week end , When I went to home, I told my parents that I am no longer interested in studying in that school and I wanted to continue my studies in my old school.I must have hurt them a lot that weekend because they must have been thinking about it the entire weekend.They must have thought , Why would this kid lose a good opportunity to study in a good school? and after few more questions like this they decided on something.
A couple of weeks later , When I had gone home for the weekend , They took me to a person in a near by city. The person was a very famous astrologist in that city. I had no idea what was I doing or Where am I going? All I knew was , It was good to travel in bus, when you sit on the window seat.We waited our turn to talk to him. His name was Susai. When our chance came, My parents told their concern to him that I am reluctant to go that school and It was a good opportunity to miss If I wanted to quit.He gave me a look which I don't remember as how it was and said to my parents that "Don't worry about this kid,He will do okay and will go to America". When we returned,I looked at him and his gestures for a long time, often turning my head to the place where he was sitting.I think I wouldn't have talked much when I returned home.It was in 1994 and I had no idea What and Where America was!! and I never asked my parents to join me in some other school.
Ever since he told me that , I dreamt about it often.It kept coming to my mind.And after about 13 years, I went to America.While in the flight,I often remembered the name 'Susai' whenever I realized that I was flying.The moment I landed in America, I felt a feeling that can never be explained in words and can only be seen through expressions of the face.No body was to record them.;)
I remember this quote Often, If you have a dream and If you want to pursue it, The entire universe conspires to make it happen.
I hope my roomies at that time- Nagi, Rajsan and Manick will find this post when they search for this address and add few comments.;)

Merry Christmas to Everyone and a special and grateful thanks to Susai for the few important sentences he spoke for my Life.

The street of poor and happiness

It was a night in the early 1990’s , When i had just started going to school , When i did not know What ‘poor’ and ‘happiness’ meant , When I had just begun to understand What ‘friendship’ and ‘love’ are.

We had come to this place 2 years ago , my dad had rented a 2bhk house and my school was a kilometer away from my home.Every morning was a serene & pleasant smile of a new day , I would wake up early in the morning to hear few religious songs (I guess my parents did it that way to make me to fear about ‘God’ , Which I realized a few years later) and a cup of hot tea.The Radio will be turned on just as soon as the waves of the Sun forcefully entered into the House , making the house, a beautiful photograph. I amazed radio very much at first, and even searched for people in and around it,to find the voices which came from radio , I wonder now Why I did not ask many questions about Radio to my parents then.I asked most of my questions only to myself, even in school, i did not ask questions. I will have breakfast in a hurry because i was always afraid that I will be severely punished and my parents will be penalized if I do not attend school on time.

I hated the oil that my mom applied on my head every morning before I started to school, She called it ‘coconut’ oil. The ‘Why’ I hated it is because , When i walk the distance to my school , the oil from my head will slowly come down to my face ,and the oil would make me to itch my head often.I don’t remember when i stopped bothering about it. I don’t remember What my mind thought when i walked to school. I never took anything from school to my home, not even the homework. I liked to play in the streets in the evenings after coming home. That was the everything i would have mostly thought then.

At School, I listened to What the teachers had to say. Then, We called everyone ‘teacher’ , with no special distinction to their gender. I was more afraid of the female teachers than the male teachers.Female teachers, I thought was ‘rude’ and ‘harsh’. I liked the classes under the trees than under the roof. I liked the fresh air and the opportunity to watch the world , to watch the other kids play , to rush to home in short time.Trees were nearer.There were questions of ‘Life’ at times when i walked back to home.I used to think – will i just hang as clouds in the sky after i die ? If so, Why am i not seeing people at the sky now ? I thought they were at a very high distance and were invisible.

Karthik was studying second class and I was studying third class. We will walk together to get back home in the evening.He was strong and little fat ,had a very white teeth and a charming face. He was my first friend. We played together in the evening after coming home. I felt bad and depressed every time i lost a game of any kind we played.Thats when i started comparing me with others.We only compare,Only when we lose .

I liked everything about Karthik,I liked his home , his parents, his Sister “Poorni’ Who was 2 years old , I never saw her cry and that changed my notion of “Babies and small kids cry often”. She never cried for anything. Poorni will always make me smile and her smile always made me happy.The things that used to keep me to walk fast to home are : Food at home , Poorni. I , Karthik , Poorni were friends.We played together every evening.

The particular night , I described in the opening of this thought , is What i remember as a pleasant and beautiful memory.It was a friday evening and we played for a long time that evening.The street that was separating our houses was just 2 meters wide, and about 30 meters in length. Thats where we spent most of our evenings. I would rank that street as number 1 ,If i have to rank the things that made me happy in Life.
We were playing that friday even after the sun was set, The street lights were working that season , So it was helpful to play even without sunlight. The Housewives met at the corners of the streets and exchanged words often.Few old men sat and watched us playing.We used to carry Poorni on our shoulders and run, she will laugh. Whoever carries her and runs will make her laugh more and louder. I and Karthik tried to make her laugh more. We measured the length of the street many times. Whoever walked on the streets did not yell or shout at us though we disturbed them.They just gave way for us to play this game. I think , everybody liked Poorni’s smile and everybody kept quiet to hear that loud laugh.

That was the last time, We played together.Karthik died on a sunday.I don’t remember when exactly he died.Was it on the sunday following that friday? Or was it few weeks after ?I don’t know.Why I don’t remember anything between that friday and the sunday he died?

I wish I never grew up , I wish I can ask Poorni who won on that friday and to hear that it was Karthik.